When I thought that I should have gone to Ireland, or Germany, or followed an MCAD program.
But I knew that I have made the right decision in coming to China.
I knew that it would push me as an artist, I knew that I would find something here that I couldn't find in America, Ireland, Germany, London, any other place.
Because I am interested in my heritage. Because, it is my culture and one looks for their own self before finding other things.
There are so many traditions that have been left behind since my father came to America.
There are so many words that I don't even KNOW in Chinese.
There is a poetic language that I do not understand, nor will I ever because I don't know how to read or write.
There's a culture that I am slowly understanding, but I will always be American.
There is however, and opportunity for me to put together my Chinese culture that I know so little of and create it with the American culture that I grew up with.
Though I am Chinese, and I know many traditions in our family, I'm still very Americanized. I am so grateful that my father spoke to my brother and I in Chinese. I am grateful that my grandmother taught me the traditions in our family. I am thankful that my family still speaks to me in Chinese, because I want to be able to keep the language. My brother and cousins are slowly forgetting Chinese and it is very sad to see.
I have 2 months left. And though I have been in the studio a lot and working on animation and not being able to travel like everyone else, I am still learning SOOOoo much. I learn something new everyday (though, I do learn something new everyday in America as well..haa) but it's something that makes me think contextually about my own art and about life in general.
The people I meet, the customs in which they have, the way they speak, the way they are...
The landscape is really amazing here, and though it is so normal for people in China, I am glad that I wake up to a mountain, a little lake, people picking tea leaves from the bushes and the people speaking in Chinese. I go outside of my room to look at the environment every morning.
And there were times, when I wished I had gone with everyone else, that I wish that I was not so stubborn. Stubbornness is my greatest strength and biggest downfall.
Not sticking to one thing, is also my biggest problem. I have went through thinking of every major that I possibly wanted to do.
Advertisment, Illustration, Fine Art studio, Photography, Interactive, Film, Graphic Design, and of course I stuck with animation.
I stuck with animation because I was stubborn and wanted to learn everything in one. I wanted to do my own thing, I wanted to get a job when I get out of college. I have never, ever, been happy with my animation work. I can't draw right, I can't stick to one frame, I always have to do straight ahead. But I sometimes can't even get straight ahead right.
So I complain about not being a good animator, putting myself down, thinking that I shouldn't be an animator because I want to do so many other things, and I was always unhappy.
But I am happy that I stuck with it. I'm happy because now I understand film, photo, illustration, fine art, advertisement, whatever. I picked this major for a reason and the reason was everything that I wanted to do, just not the way I wanted to do it. And now I have realized that.
I talk a lot, I get really excited and I think, "I want to be the best. So I will be the best!" How can I be the best if I don't even understand my own major? How can I show people that I can do this if I can't even finish an animation?
I
will finish my animation here. This is no lie. I don't know if it will be the best. But this is the first time I have done a short animation with the things I have learned from MCAD and CAA.
It's about time that I stop wandering around, thinking that I should be doing other things besides animation.
At least for now. <3
